Moment of weakness

Food allergies have really got me down.

I restrict my diet to baby E’s allergies because I’m nursing. Even though she hasn’t reacted to everything via breastmilk, it isn’t worth cross contaminating her food or me touching something and then touching or kissing her. I just don’t want to risk it.

There comes a point where you just feel defeated. I have tried to stay so positive. I think I’m doing a pretty good job, but here is my moment of weakness. I’m just so afraid! She reacted to dairy and peanuts from birth via breastmilk. We delayed solids and practiced baby led weaning to possibly help. She didn’t eat food until I was sure she really wanted it. Things went ok. Then she had a reaction. Then another. Then another.

Our current list? Egg, dairy, oat, soy, peanut, legumes (including green beans), watermelon. Possibly rye, corn, and squash.

She wants to eat. She really does. I’m just scared to feed her most things. There is nothing more terrifying then having your infant crying in pain as she scratches her patches of hives. My place setting includes an epi pen.

But you know what, its what has to be done. We will get through this. She will be a healthy, vibrant little girl and we will keep her safe.

deep breath!

Tomorrow is my obgyn appointment with Dr. Dbag. I hope he isn’t as much of a jerk as he was on the phone. Crossing my fingers that things go smoothly.

Getting a little better

Last week, husband was kind enough to tell all of the family about the miscarriage because I simply couldn’t say the words out loud. I stayed in bed like a zombie the rest of that day until he forced me out of bed for dinner the next day. I know I already posted, but over the weekend we did birthday stuff with the kiddo. Thank goodness I had anxiety pills. Apparently, every pregnant woman/mother of infants in the world decided to go out that day. I cried twice in Disney World, but luckily both times were when kiddo was going on rides with husband so no worries for him. I came home to find beautiful flowers from an absolutely amazing friend. Make that three times crying this time, but this time it was happy tears. I was just so touched…really. I know you’re reading, so thank you again 🙂 We all appreciate it.

Husband wants to TTC (try to conceive) as soon as possible. I’m kind of terrified of possibly going through this again, but I really, really want another child. I think…I think once I get myself mentally and physically better then definitely. I mean, if I have clearance from the doctor, we aren’t going to prevent it, but I’m going to work on myself some more before we actively TTC. I’m mildly anxious about charting and journaling all that stuff, but I want to make sure I have everything as “right” as I can. In the meantime though, I’m kind of dreading my appointment on Thursday. I’m going to see an OB/GYN to see if I need a D&C. I’m crossing my fingers that I don’t, but realistically I think I will need to.

I’ve been trying to keep myself really busy (distracted). Cooking like crazy…Making lots of yummy food. I think I’ll get some cleaning done, too. I really need to do the tile in the bathrooms. Kiddo has open house on Thursday at school. So yes, hopefully back to a somewhat normal lifestyle. I’ll be ok. We’ll be ok.

venting frustrations

I haven’t decided what the worst part is.

I had gotten to the point where regular clothes didn’t fit me well and so now I’m stuck wearing maternity clothes for a while longer. I don’t want to wear maternity clothes or look pregnant anymore.

My body hasn’t caught on to the fact that I’m not really pregnant, so every little pain and craving is driving me nuts because its just a lie.

I cry because of the crazy hormones that are still floating around and I cry because of whats going on.

I am terrified to run into people that I know…I don’t think I have it in me to explain what is going on and it is basically going to break me that much more if I have to see smiles and get happy questions about baby because they don’t know. The worst is that we’re supposed to go to a parent/kid play-group tomorrow and last everyone knew the pregnancy was great. I don’t know if I can handle it.

Thank goodness I found my old prescription for anxiety pills. I haven’t needed them in forever, but I’m basically a mess. At least it lets me keep it together enough to get through the day for the little one’s sake. We took him out all day for his birthday since it rained all last weekend (when we originally planned it). I hate feeling like I have to rely on any medication, but…I suppose it is better that I use it now then having a breakdown every 10 minutes. Right? Right…I still have to be a good mommy for my big kid.

empty

I’m pretty sure only two people read this. One of which is my husband.

We lost the baby.

I would have been 12 weeks and in the second trimester in just 2 days. 2 whole days until the “safe” zone.

I don’t want to talk about it. I just needed to say it.

Low Key Week

It is our last full week in Germany and we’re pretty sad about it. We’ve had such a great time in Karlsruhe and beyond! This week we went to the park (as usual), and had a really great playdate with some friends 🙂 We also got to borrow a bike from the friends with an attached trailer to haul Nate around in…he LOVES that thing. Too bad Florida is so stinking hot, or we would be purchasing bikes ASAP when we get back!

We’ve been trying to think of things to bring back to the states that we can’t get there…as well as gifts for everyone. It’s so hard thinking of things! I can assure you we will be loading up on tasty gummy bears, though.

The rest of the week should be fun. Dinner with friends tomorrow and Saturday we’re going to Munich! I’ve been teasing James about getting some lederhosen when we go to Bavaria 🙂